Chapter eleven- Invitation to insight (Your Conflict Rituals)

Invitation to Insight- pg. 383, Your Conflict Rituals

Positive:

1) When to clean the house.

2) Caitlyn doesn't clean her part of the house or do the dishes that she made dirty, but rather leaves them in the sink for someone else to do.

3) I come in and see the dirty dishes that she has left and I get very annoyed and start slamming dishes into the dishwasher. She comes in and sees me doing them. I start to talk to her about doing her dishes again. She tears them from my hands and does them herself because she thinks it is stupid of me to get upset.

4) I feel bad and so I help her and we do them together.

5) I think that I could change the conflict by going and asking her nicely to do her dishes instead of just starting to do them and then get mad at her when she comes out so that way, she does them and I feel better about myself and her.

Negative:

1) who gets to take the car.

2) I get offensive and think that it is my turn to take the car but then she gets irritated back because she is the older one and should be taking the car anyway.

3) I want to take the car somewhere and she does as well and so we both fight about it, both thinking that we are the right one.

4) Mom has to get involved and someone ends up angry.

5) I think I could have helped with the conflict by trying to come up with a compromise or something where we both win and Mom doesn't have to get involved.

I think that by doing this exercise, I am able to see that there are some rituals that we, as sisters have, that work when we get into arguments and sometimes, there are better ways to handle a difficult situation. I know that from this exercise, I can make any situation a positive one if I think of a new way to handle our "ritual."

chapter eight- invitation to insight (your relational transgressions)

Chapter 8- invitation to insight (your relational transgressions)

One day, my sister, Caitlyn, was texting this boy that I liked. She knew that I kind of liked him but not that I really did. I got angry with her about texting him when she knew I liked him. She got angry because he was her friend first and she said that she had a right to text him if she wanted. We fought about it and I decided that I was wrong to do what I had. It was a one-time event but it was pretty significant in our relationship because we were fighting over some very minor but it seemed pretty important to us. We talked about it and she knew that I had to repair the transgression that I had made, the fight that I had caused over something so minor but seemed significant to us.

I learned a lot from this experience. I learned to repair transgressions, and to talk to her about what I had done and how I had not handled the situation very well. From doing this assignment, I had already talked to her about it but with this, I could talk to her more about it and how she had felt at the time and how better to fix a situation like this later.

Chapter six- Invitation to Insight, The Rules of Touch, Pg. 222

1. An adult and a 5-year old child= If the adult knows the child, then they are most always touching each other. The child wants comfort and to feel the adult next to them, to know that they are safe. They hold hands or the adult holds the child in his/her arms. It is not unusual if they are touching the entire time they are together. If the adult and child do not know each other, they don't usually touch each other. The adult might talk to the child but they won't touch each other because the child is scared and won't know the adult. I think this goes with both genders, male and female. 

2. An adult and a 12-year old= This relationship is a little different. They might not touch each other as much. Actually, they probably won't touch each other at all unless put in a situation where it is inevitable. If it is a mother and a son or daughter, then there will more likely be more touching but if it is a male with a male son, there won't be touching unless it is a male adult and a female daughter. Then they would touch more. It depends a lot on gender in this case. If there is a female daughter, the touching relationship between adult and child is stronger than if it is a male son and adult male or female.

3. Two good friends= Friends tend to touch each other a lot more. They aren't afraid to touch or be close to one another. Girls more than boys do this. If it is two male friends, they do not touch as much as if it was two female friends. Girls love to be touchy and feel the other person there than boys do. I think this kind of relationship goes back to what we learned about distances- social distance, personal distance, or public distance. 

4. Boss and employee= In this relationship between boss and employee, there might be a handshake because it is supposed to be a more professional atmosphere. Most of the time, it doesn't really matter if it is girl/boy. The boss, no matter what gender, usually gives handshakes to their employees and not much more than that. 

If I were just coming into this culture and didn't know about any of the gender and touching things, I would be so confused! There are so many "rules" that go along with touching and genders that I never thought about before. I would get very frustrated with this guidebook because there are so many different rules for what to do in different situations and with different people. It changes a lot of things that I never thought about until I wrote it out. 

Chapter seven- Invitation to Insight, What would you say? (pg. 260)

A. Maybe you should talk to them about how you feel about what you are doing and try to get them to see that what you are doing may go against their values but you need to make your own decisions. Don't say this meanly or harshly but in a way so that they know you are just trying to help them see things your way (advising)

B. So you do have many friends that are guys but none of them want anything more than just being friends, right? I know that you feel like you want a boyfriend but isn't it just so much fun to be single and with your girlfriends? (paraphrasing and questioning)

C. You don't really hate them. I think you just don't like being left alone and there is no way to show that so you say you hate them. (analyzing) 

D. I can see that you are sick of school and that you don't feel like you are doing anything with your life. I sometimes feel that way too but I just keep going and doing what I feel is the right thing to do. (supporting)

E. Maybe you should try to focus more on serving him and showing  him in all the ways you can think of that you still love him and that you want to make it work. You just need to talk to each other and see what is going on before you leap and do something you may regret. (advising)

F. So you think that your boss is mad at you and you think this because he doesn't joke around with you anymore and he doesn't talk about your work as much. Perhaps you should ask him if he is mad at you or if you did anything to offend him. (paraphrasing and advising)

In this exercise, I realized how many different ways there are to deal with a problem or someone else's situation. There are so many different ways to listen and try to help but sometimes, one kind works better than another. I see that I use advising response more than I do the other kinds and I was trying to use different kinds so that I didn't use the same one but I use advising more than I do the others because I want to be helpful, not just sit and listen but sometimes, all the other person wants is someone to listen and be sympathetic. I think it is  a very good thing if I can sit and listen and help them feel better even if I don't tell them exactly what to do or how to get out of that situation. 

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